When Hurricane Sandy barreled up the East Coast in the fall of 2012, New Yorkers fell into what they consider a “panic”. This mainly involved hordes rushing to corner bodegas, pharmacy chains, and overpriced organic groceries to stand in endless queues.  At the end of those queues were the consumable vices they deemed essential to survival: booze and a shit ton of junk food. Unfortunately for me I was working the day the storm was supposed to hit. Everyone had a significant head-start and by the time I had clocked out the pickin’s were slim. The brand name snacks were long gone when I made it to the first CVS. Generic store brand Haribo knock-offs? I could forget about those too.  Instead my choices were limited to dusty bags of starlight mints and one brand of gummies: Trolli.

Smack in the middle of a giant swath of empty wall sat two full racks of the stuff. The aisle seemed to be reaching out to me, pleading, “Please find a safe home for these candies. PLEASE!!” And while I should have been happy that the masses left me some form of gummy candy, skepticism couldn’t help but creep in. Why did so many people pass on it? Was there a recall that only I and CVS didn’t know about?  It was strange and sad to see an entire brand be neglected. Once the last few notes of Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” stopped playing in my head, I decided to give those bears a home.

Back in my apartment, I quickly hurricane-proofed my apartment (i.e. moving my video game consoles and guitars away from the windows), opened the bag of Trolli bears, and settled in for the night. At first bite, I realized that I should have listened to all the signs.  The first few bears I grabbed had a sickly, leathery feel- an instant indicator of stale or expired gummies (even though the expiration date was still several months away). I was desperate though and since they were still somewhat soft, I plodded ahead with the bears. And all things considered, they weren’t the worst things I’d ever tasted. I mean, I wouldn’t have served them at a formal event or anything, but they were perfectly suitable for post-apocalyptic consumption.

A year or so after the storm, I stopped by the same pharmacy. This time the snack shelves were full and freshly stocked. Even the bags of Trolli bears and worms looked markedly different. I crooked my neck to the lowest row and saw a shiny mix of colors mushed up against the cellophane window. It looked nothing like the batch I had during the hurricane. I picked up a bag and decided to give it another shot. I figured it wasn’t fair making final judgement on what could have been just a bad batch. And to my surprise they were really, really good. The texture was solid and so where the flavors- even though some were borderline medicinal (I’m looking at you cherry). Before I knew it I had scarfed down the entire thing. They were surprisingly addicting.  A few weeks after that, emboldened by the previous experience, I grabbed another bag. And once again it was a completely different experience. Everything tasted sickly sweet and the texture was much too gooey to enjoy. I very much wanted to rate this classic (they were innovators after all- creators of the first gummy worm) brand higher. I did. But the glaring inconsistencies from bag to bag keep Trolli relegated to a “purchase only in the face of impending natural disaster” level of mediocrity.

RATINGS

Flavor – 5

Too many flavors are on the verge of tasting like cough syrup (the kiss of death for fruit candies). Wish I could tell you which ones but that’s another negative that brings Trolli’s rating down- the flavors are not really discernable from each other. The only real way to tell is if you take a peek at the color of the bear before you pop him in.

Texture – 6

Too inconsistent to give higher than a 6. You’re completely rolling the dice with this one. On a bad day, Trolli Gummi Bears have an gross, gooey consistency. On a good day, they can be on point (great bite, not mushy). Maybe they improved their quality control but until they prove otherwise, this is staying at a 6.

Longevity – 4

They’re excellent for the end times or a zombie invasion, but these don’t age well. They’re also only good a handful at a time. The serving size according the nutrition facts is 17 pieces but I challenge anyone to battle the cloying sweetness by having more than 10 in a sitting. It’s difficult.

Design – 6

Real gummies have curves. Compared to the svelte Black Forest or Haribo bears, these portly fellas have no issues with body shaming. The googly eyes though are a little off-putting however and I’d have much preferred if these alien bears were full bodied in flavor, not in girth.

Nutrition – 7

Given the cough syrup flavors of some of the bears, I get a little placebo effect if I eat these while I have a cold. That’s about it.

Overall – 6

Not the worst I’ve had but there are a lot of better, and more consistent, options out there. Big solid meh for this one.