I’ve been waitin’ for so long
For somethin’ to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are comin’ true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah I’ll be standin’ there by you
And baby, you’re all that I want

Before they vanished from the streets of New York City, Black Forest bears in the 80s were my jam. I scrounged up whatever allowance, couch change, and altar boy tips I could and spent all of it on baseball cards and gummy bears. I still remember the feel and taste of them (the bears that is). They were strangely similar to present day Haribo. Their flavors, texture, and shape were almost identical. Vintage Black Forest bears were slightly skinnier and sweeter but both were top notch confections.

I was obsessed with them. Then, suddenly, they vanished. No warning or even a slow fade from shelves. No matter how far I pedaled on my rusty BMX bike, I couldn’t find them anywhere in Queens. I even took the opportunities when my mom dragged me to the malls in Long Island to scour the stores there. While she restocked my underwear supply I dragged my sisters to each place selling candy. I wanted to find just one bag of Black Forest bears. Just one. But they were completely gone.

To deal with the crippling withdrawal, I experimented with all sorts of candies. Eventually Haribo made it stateside and became an integral part of my formative years. They were, and still are, the only gummy brand I can blindly trust. But in the late 90s, just before I jumped north of the border for college and for new gummy opportunities, I spotted a familiar sight in a Rite-Aid drugstore: Black Forest bears. They had returned.

Unfortunately my initial excitement didn’t last very long. It quickly gave way to crippling disappointment as soon as I inspected a bag up close. While my childhood favorite had reappeared they had been re-branded and re-formulated to hell and back. It was obvious that that reincarnation was the product of hours and hours of terrible focus group discussions- the colors were brighter, the mascot bear looked a little too friendly (a stark contrast from the original bag which featured an emo-depressive bear that creepily hid in dark, ominous trees). Worst yet, the bear tasted completely different. For starters, they now included fruit juice- which I’m not totally against. When done right, candies with fruit juice incorporated into them can be delicious. Unfortunately they tasted like they just threw in a splash of apple concentrate and called it a day. The flavors are fine for a handful or two but after a while they become overly acidic and become sickly sweet- not the desired result when one adds “natural ingredients”. If that wasn’t enough to turn me off, the greasiness of the candy did the trick. Yup, greasiness.

One of the first things you notice when you pick up a bag, besides the faded coloration of the bears (I guess they’re trying to look more natural as well?), is an oily film smeared across the inside. While most brands have some sort of oil or wax to prevent the bears from sticking to each other, Black Forest seems to be heavy handed in this department. It’s an added turnoff among other things. The disgust that comes with opening a bag of new Black Forest bears is the same disgust that comes when I think I hear the first few notes of 1984’s radio classic “Heaven”. But instead of getting the awesome and gravelly Bryan Adams version it turns out to be that weird techno-ey cover that radio stations tortured listeners with for years. It’s brighter and louder but in the end just a big greasy bag of disappointment.

RATINGS

Flavor – 5

Thanks to the fruit juice the overall flavor of Black Forest bears is a little more tart. The choice of flavors strays from the standard set of flavors as well and not necessarily in a good way. Apple is a little understated and bland.

Texture – 6

Like any quality gummy, there’s a bit of fight with the chewiness. Doesn’t fall apart or get stuck in your teeth. But this isn’t consistent across all bags. Some have mushier bears, others are chewier.

Longevity – 4

I can go through a bags but not without some distress. Not only does the flavor wear my tastebuds down but they get stale relatively quickly. Eating them soon after purchasing is advisable as you’ll begin to notice a waxy film developing on the bag itself if left unopened for a while. Kind of off-putting.

Design – 7

Shaped almost exactly like the Haribo bear. Perfect size for scooping a handful, not that you’d ever want to do that though.

Nutrition – 7

The fruit juice adds a nominal health boost but sugar is sugar and this has plenty of it.